to hug or to kiss?

I don't like "the kisses." Expats here (and Sri Lankans who hang out with expats) tend to do anywhere from 1-3 kisses on your cheek when you meet and greet people. I don't like this. I do it, because otherwise people think you're crazy and/or rude AND its awkward to just kind of pull away as people lean towards you when you're introduced or run into them at a restaurant or a party. But you know what else is awkward? The kisses.

I've developed a bit of a vendetta against the kisses, and its currently one of my favorite topics of conversation (which I'm sure makes me super popular). There are three reasons why I don't like them, ranging in reasonableness.

1. They are mad awkward. For one, you never know how many people are going to do; it could be anywhere from 1 to 3. And you never know how much of an actual kiss people do - theres a general average of cheek touching and kissing the air, but some people don't really touch that much, and some people actually will kiss your face. And what do you do with your hands? I've been told a shoulder clasp is appropriate, but I feel like I often end up kind of waving my hands in front of me as if I'm panicking (which is sometimes what I feel like because--maybe I haven't mentioned this before--ITS AWKWARD).

2. I have this association of pretension with the kisses, and I've decided that it must have come from Yale, but its also possible that its a more general American kind of "anything European = pretentious" thing. Its hard for me to explain this to people here, because, again, I just sound crazy (hi, European person, I think all of your social conventions are pretentious, and this coming from America aka "we are ruining the world, sorry"). Although today I was backed up in this by the description of the air-kisses from (where else) the New York Times Fashion and Style Page:

"At noontime in restaurants where ladies who lunch have lunch, at cocktail time on what is left of the black-tie fund-raising circuit in a deep recession, at gallery openings from SoHo to the Upper East Side, some think twice about turning the other cheek."

3. The other reason I prefer the kisses is one of those cultural differences that I intellectually understand, but that actually just doesn't make sense to me. To me, a kiss on the cheek (or two or three) feels a little bit intimate - like something I feel comfortable doing with family and close friends, but not so much something I would chose to do with random people, or with people who I've just met. And in this way a hug isn't exactly analogous; I think that I've figured out that there are a whole host of people or situations in between a hug and a hand-shake, where when I see people I know, I would just not do anything. But it seems like for these crazy folks, those situations are times when you would do the kisses, maybe. I don't really understand the intricacies.

But to me, a hug has a platonic quality in comparison to the kisses. I think this makes total sense, because when someone kisses (or fake kisses) your cheek, they're all up in your face! That feels intimate! I was explaining this to a French friend, and he was telling me that he would kiss all sorts of people in his daily life in France, from work colleagues to his family. I kept asking, but who do you hug? He finally admittied that he would hug his girlfriend. Huh, I though. This has been backed up by a guy I know from Portugul, who claimed that the kisses were totally platonic but hugs were kind of borderline. A Canadian friend and I looked on in disbelief. (the Canadians are totally on my side in this - North American solidarity!)

To me, there are two problems here: one, that I find the kisses awkward. But the other problem is that I miss hugs. Its an important form of platonic affection that is lacking here, only to have been replaced by weird cheek-rubbing.

But we're fighting back. My American friends and I will hug, and some Canadians have come on board as well. I have one friend with whom I take turns, every other time we see each other. There's been some suggestion of bringing the fist pound to Colombo, which I also like as a kiss-substitute. Though there's been a concern raised by the prospect of someone going in for the kisses and accidentally running into a raised fist. Now, THAT would be awkward.